By Gordon Anderson | gordon@rantnc.com

The return address field on the packet I found in The Rant’s mailbox on June 19 was labeled “Envoy of the One True Colon,” out of Colon, Michigan.

“Verified noncompliant,” screamed official red lettering also stamped on the front of the large manila envelope, alongside a seal of something called “the Only One Colon Movement.”

What the hell was this, and why was someone sending it to The Rant?

I’m gonna cut to the chase here in just a second, but I want to make clear right now that I’m not making any of this up. Crazier things have happened, and some of them have even ended up in the LPH Media mailbox. But it’s unusual enough for me to even write a column at all, much less one about something like this, so I wanted to get that out of the way.

It seems a guy in Colon, Michigan named B.J. Mallen (the aforementioned envoy) doesn’t take too kindly to Lee County having a community bearing the same name. We don’t have to feel singled out though – he also appears to have sent a version of the packet to Colon, Nebraska.

Mallen’s Colon, of which he appears to be rightfully proud, ought to be the country’s only Colon, his Doctrine claims. Colon, Nebraska, under Mallen’s declaration would be renamed Semi-Colon, and Colon, North Carolina is to take the name Pilcrow (a relatively obscure typographical marker denoting a paragraph – the one aspect of Mallen’s effort this publication thinks could have been done better).

All of Mallen’s concerns about our country’s various Colons, it should be clear, employ double (or triple?) entendres acknowledging not just the common place names but also punctuation, and, well, poop jokes. Do I agree that Lee County should rename its Colon? I don’t know. Probably not. Is this a discussion I was born to have? Without a doubt, yes.

Looking through all of Mallen’s documentation, it’s hard to argue he hasn’t given this thing the kind of thought that only develops during a long constitutional. He points out that the Colon in Michigan (population 1,199, founded 1852) isn’t just the United States’ largest Colon, but also its oldest. Our Colon isn’t incorporated so there’s no sure way to get a true headcount, and it wasn’t named Colon until 1892. Colon, Nebraska, it turns out, was founded and named by a guy who hailed from the Colon in Michigan – absolutely flushing any solitary claim the Cornhusker state might have to the title away like so much Charmin.

“Multiple Colons within one nation quickly becomes a mess,” Mallen wrote me.

I emailed Mallen to acknowledge his overture and told him I can’t speak for the people of Colon, North Carolina since I don’t live there. I informed him that I suspected the people of Lee County “will want to defend their Colon.” Mallen replied that he understood and didn’t “take it personally.”

“The Doctrine isn’t about blame, it’s about regularity,” he told me.

In any case, I don’t really know what’s next. I guess this column puts the people of Colon on notice that a guy in Michigan wants them to change the name of their community, but whether they will or won’t isn’t something I can see. My crystal ball on this matter is clogged.

For more information about Mallen’s movement, visit www.onlyonecolon.com.

Gordon Anderson checked the website listed at the end of this column and promises it’s not something that will get you in trouble at work.