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(Note: This post was part of our 2018 April Fools’ coverage and is very obviously a joke.)

Lee County Commissioners voted Thursday to ban anyone under the age of 14 from competing in baseball activities, throwing or hitting any type of round object or listening to John Fogerty hit solos.

Tournament promoters, Parks and Rec officials and the makers of pink sports gear roundly panned the decision, but commissioners insisted their vote was in the county’s best interests.

“Every weekend, tens of families wake up early and drive two hours one way to play the nation’s sixth most popular sport,” said Commissioner Ted, “taking with them beach chairs, SUVs and all their cash. Trust us. Parents support this vote.”

That wasn’t the case at Tramway Park, where 10 year-olds were playing the summer game in 30-degree weather.

“Typical government overreach. They don’t give a damn about youth sports but give the theater whatever it wants,” said Tim McNara without even a hit of sarcasm or irony, given that the county has a whole department with staffers and million-dollar facilities devoted to youth sports.

The players, however, didn’t seem to mind.

“Now I can play Fortnite all weekend long,” said Trevor Buchanan, star shortstop for the Sanford Thunderheat, who by his parents’ opinion will likely be the next Derek Jeter, unless he decides to focus on pitching. “I only play baseball because I hate it. Whatever.”

One parent of a 12-year-old travel ball player expressed his joy, though he wished to remain anonymous.

“Sure frees up my weekends,” he said, carefully holding his side. “Plus I can finally afford that kidney I’ve been needing.”

The money currently earmarked for youth baseball will instead be used to bring “Hamilton” to the Temple Theatre next June.

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