target

(Note: This post was part of our 2018 April Fools’ coverage and is very obviously a joke.)

Off the heels of a “this city’s been dying for a Target, the store will market itself” marketing strategy, the recently opened Target department store in Sanford, North Carolina, announced it was closing today after a month of low turnout.

Senior store manager Wilhelm Patterson was dumbfounded and saddened in making the announcement.

“I mean, that’s all we’d heard for years. Sanford needs a Target. Where’s our Starbucks and Target? Well, the Starbucks is doing pretty well here. We just assumed Target would flourish here,” Patterson said.

The manager said “75-85 people, tops” had visited the store — located on Bragg Boulevard near a church — in its first 20 days since its soft opening on March 3. He said the store had done “a little Facebook marketing” in late February, but ceased after realizing the ads were aimed at residents in Sanford, Florida.

“I doubt Target will consider Sanford again,” Patterson said, eating a stale soft pretzel from the snack shop that always smells like popcorn. “And if they do, I hope they at least do some ads.”

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